Grey

 There is a dark me and a light me and we often stare at each other in amazement. 

Preface

So this is the kind of book nobody ever reads. I have no visions of grandeur. I'm writing it for myself and hoping someday that someone may find interesting it. It's more about self discovery which I'm sorely lacking now almost 50 years old I find myself vaguely remembering my pass and wished to rekindle thoughts. I am the bad guy in this book make no mistake. I hope someone reads it make some excuse for my life I cannot find one. But this they're really is excuse for anyone's life. I had goals and met them. I failed in many respects. Okay a lot of  respects. I hope if anyone stumbles over them and find it mildly interesting that they might not make the same mistakes I did. You'll excuse my artistic license. Part of it is fiction of course let mainly the overriding themes are correct. Part of the reason for the ruse is my bad memory but the other parties my life at points for boring so it wouldn't even be worth reading. Anyway here it goes. I pray for Mercy.

Bon voyage

"Are we there yet?" I inquired. "No we just left?"
I was only 11 years old. Fresh from Florida on a long trip with my uncles. Roy and Herman Smith. It was a painful trip.

My father had seven brothers and sisters. He was the baby like me. They were a poor family. I do not believe they where all that close. I am not even sure what my grandfather who I was named after occupation was. Maybe he worked at a manufacturing plant.
Roy and Herman were best friends. After the Korean war, they had gone west and did some work where they were handsomely paid. They were both fairly wealthy. Uncle Herman lived like a hermit drinking beer in an old rundown house behind his former restaurant. They bought some land wisely and the land became a gold mine. Roy on the other hand lived quite nicely and had children and a wife and was living the dream. It was rumored that his children were to get all of Herman's money when he died.
"Are we there yet?" again asking "No we have only been on the road for two hours."
I remember the car was a late model car. A Cadillac I think top-of-the-line. Leather seats, power steering, power brakes, nice radio, everything you could possibly want in a car. All I really remember was billowing smoke and struggling to breath. Yes were were trapped in a car with with two drunks who required continuous smoke in their lungs.
 "I want to go back home" I demanded "Your new home is in Tennessee" one of the uncles replied.
About half way though we got stuck in about four feet of snow in Georgia. So we stopped at a cheap hotel. A hotel with a wet bar. So more joyous time with the uncles but this time in a smoke filled room neither one of them were sober of course.
"I want to roll down the window" gasping for breath. "OK a little bit" as my uncle took a break from the smoldering cigarette to push the auto window button, I put my mouth to the crack to get some fresh air.
 Did I mention that I have asthma?  Yes a condition that affects breathing. If you were wondering does smoke help asthma? I would have to give that a resounding no. The whole trip was topped off with Uncle Roy locking the door and windows.  Cherry to the sundae.
Again in a smoke filled room trying to sleep as I was bone tired.
I wish I remember more parts of this trip but maybe the smoke affected my brain. The memory of the trip is quite limited. Just shadows of smoke and smells of alcohol.
Still trying to soak in what has happened
I was not in a good state of mind. I was just sad or in shock or just plain unhinged. You see my father just died. His death was a by product of this job. You see he was a bartender and drank himself to death.
His bothers and sisters thought is was imperative that I see him in his coffin. It is normal in many cultures but I did not take to this ritual. You see I just saw him puking up blood and a few days later he was dead.
One of my dads friends collected money for us in memory of papa. I heard he got thousands of dollars. But his friend must not of been the best of them. He was nice enough to relieve us of all of it and we never got any. And if he's reading this now I would like to say to him a sincere fuck you.
 Sleeping by my sister in the hotel room the memories are smothering as the smoke that is now a persistent part of my life.
They also shot some Polaroids (instant pictures). So I got to add to my misery by continually getting to see the pictures of my dead dad. No he did not look good. He looked dead and no longer my dad.
While the caring aunts and uncles were deciding what to do with us we were stored with my Aunt Kay.
There was quite a bit of discussions as to where we should go. My dad had arranged  that we should go to a home funded by the Eagle club. One of the many private clubs that he worked for and or belonged to. The family had decided no we should go live with my aunt in Tennessee. 
My Aunt Kay's house was nice. She was a  the x-wife of Uncle Herman. When I say nice, well that is an understatement. It was a nine bedroom house. Every room was a theme  in a different color. A TV in every room. I was in the blue room.
When you walked into the back yard, well there was the ocean. I know I was young but man this was a nice house.  I did not want to leave. This was the closest I had ever seen to paradise. Having a TV in every I watched a lot of TV. She had cable. One the the show that I continually watched was called The Beverly Hillbillies.
They where from Tennessee. They thought the swimming pool was a "cement pond." The smartest one did not finish Jr. High. The pool table was a fancy dinner table. I mean they were just plain backwards. This was where I was headed.
I did not have the skills to assess my own "backwardness." I was a slow kid. Granted I did not have anyone to encourage my matriculation. I was a loser in school. That did not help the fact I was really apprehensive to move there.  I failed fourth grade usually they wouldn't have failed me but dad failed to show up for the meeting so there I was in fourth grade again Lucky me. I remember the school being Armstrong Elementary school.
I guess many people started their life again. With misery and heartache much worse than mine. Again I never seen this part of life. But I was not leaving a happy place. I was leaving the ghetto of Florida a in Punta Gorda. A roach infested house with my father who was not around that often.
Many of the neighbors for drug dealers. Who live in the same ghetto I did but enjoyed big-screen TVs and BMW cars. It doesn't seem like I was that scared. Again maybe I was just too dumb to be afraid.
I remember one time one of the neighbors killed a turtle. Seemed to me a be about 3 foot wide it was a really huge thing maybe a tortoise and not a turtle. He cut off the head and hung it upside down to eat later. I'm happy to say I never tasted it but for some reason it made me sad.
"Are we there yet" I said inpatient and struggling to breathe. But we were nearly there.. Tennessee's the place you are to be..

The Joker's Pride

So I love Batman. I mean who does not? I think Batman v. Superman was just plain stupid. I mean the action scenes were good but Superman was portrayed as a stupid superhuman. I mean super hearing. x-ray vision, Super breath, Laser eyes and he can move a whole planet
.
Batman in a robot suit with some kryptonite kicked his ass. Are you kidding me? When would a super smart alien engage with a man in a metal suit? Especially not knowing what he has?  A few well placed laser shots and Batman is cooked like a thanksgiving turkey. Anyway I guess that would not have made much of a movie.

OK rant finished.

What an acquaintance and I  where arguing was if anyone would really follow the Joker. I mean a real Joker.. A man with apparent makeup , green hair and just crazy ranting.

He argued the Joker in the Suicide Squad was more believable than the ones in the Batman movies. To me he just seemed gay. I really liked Heath Ledger's dark portrayal. I also liked Jack as Batman better than the Suicide Squad. Still each one of them were dressed as clowns.

You are pulling my leg right. No one would seriously follow someone like that? Think that if you followed him. You would have to be willing to die for a real life Joker.  Die for no reason really.

In many hero movies you see the "good guy" fighting hundreds of "bad guys". The good guys are killing them by the dozens and the bad guys keep coming. These guys are dying for a paycheck? I think in real life, once one bad guy died the rest would be like: "No paycheck is work this. Bad guy out". 

We both made various arguments on why any one would follow our favorite Joker. So why would any one follow someone with an abnormal hair color? What about a strange hair color. What about a wild and ranting personality?  Says what ever he wants to regardless to the consequences to other? 

Well it seems we got our answer. As this describes our current president to a t. No I am not just making fun of him. You think that is a normal hair color or style. What about his clownish skin color? Anyone with eyes know that is not a real tan. His Twitter rants with out care as to they hurt? 

Now you say he does not have a psychiatric personality . The willingness to kill without reason? The only time we have known trump to kill people. He looked at some pictures of children that were purportedly killed by gas by the government of Syria. He sent a gaggle of rockets to kill people. 

So was it a well reasoned response to a response to a problem with long term solution in mind? I don't think so. I think it was a emotional response to a situation. The response was to kill and why kill because of the way the pictures made him feel. 

So as much as the 40 some percent of the population of America would argue otherwise. We are now being led by the Joker from Batman.  Congrats!

The magician's fallicy

So Atheism is the stupidest religion ever. So the Atheist point in life is to prove the unprovable. That there is no God. No creator. No pure goodness. No reason to live and no reason to die.  Science rules!
The only goodness is that which you decide is good. No ten rules to guide your life.
Any thought of God is just a fairy-tale. Yes a fairy-tale. I have another fairy-tale I would like to tell.
A big explosion happens, No we don't know why this explosion happened but we are sure no sentient being had nothing to do with it. It slang a perfectly round sphere in a perfect proximity to a star which it must have created too. The star was the perfect size and temperature by accident.
After a while a substance fell from the sky into water. Which by no means but pure coincidence it got mixed up and created a being. That being became some sort of fish. The fish grew legs and went to land. The thing that was a fish and grew legs through pure chance changed in to what is now humans which took a very long time. They lived happy ever after then they died.
In my mind all those coincidences are so unlikely. I don't think the odds are even calculable. This is a simplified version of the "science" and all these things happen without any origin force. It started all by itself. Atheist believe that even if someone started this it could not be God because it does not match the ones in religion stories.
The religion stories. Goes God created everything in seven days out of nothing. He did this with his power which was never referred to as magic. 
I call this article the magician's fallacy because of Penn of Penn and Teller. I respect him greatly. His thinking about politics align with mine quite well. When he starts talking about religion, to me he sounds quite foolish. I think you could consider either of these stories fairy tales. Magic goo falls from the sky after an explosion shake and stir. A million or two years later boom man. The other says seven days and boom man.
What is the difference between the two stories? The "God one" has a beginning. The goo one has no beginning and if it does it discounts the being because it don't fit the model they want. If I have to choose on I would choose the God one. Not just because it has a beginning but because it has a center. It has kindness and a future.
How could God create everything in seven days? We have evidence that it took way longer.  Well if you read the bible, you read later that a day can be a thousand years and a thousand days a year. What would time be to God.
Science has no kindness. No beginning. No forever.   No happy ending. So even if both of these stories are really fairy-tales? Which would be better for human kind to follow?  There are rules or the rules are what you think they should be or there is a beginning and something after the end? We should be kind to each other. Or the strongest should survive? Science just has no answers just more questions. With religion you really don't need all the answers.
My hope is that you pick the right color pill and don't get stuck with magic.

The Bot's Delight and My Dad's Life

Today I just can't decide to write about. My mind has gone through some of the subject that I like to think about such as Lebron James, Trump, Reagan and more on my childhood. I even surveyed the readers of my blog. The five bots who never misses an entry had no suggestions. I learned a new word: serendipity. It still may make the list. I am thinking that the bots are waiting with baited breath to read that one.
The real reason I am writing is that I have no idea how my dad thought. He died when I was 11. I have vague memories of the man. Most good but not all. He was a "good" drunk. In other words when he hit the sauce he did not hit anyone else.
They called him Charlie Brown after the comic strip. I think mainly from his bad luck and Charlie Brown like bald head. He was a bar tender. Served drinks with a smile. People enjoyed his company. He was charming as he had seven wives. There where many good thing about him.
I have many good memories. I remember watching the Miami Dolphins on Sundays. I remember going to the movies and him always falling asleep. He was probably recovering from a hang-over or from working until early in the morning. He was also a very clean person who always ironed his clothes.
He also had his flaws. He was racist. Cannot remember how many times he used the N word. He was not good at making money. Did I mention that he served alcohol for a living? He was not stable. Did I mention the seven wives? He left us with several questionable "baby sitters"
He died at forty nine years of age.  I miss him everyday. But I only knew him for brief periods in his short life. He was not an educated man and don't remember him writing anything beyond a check.
I hope that I will no be in that situation. I hope that when I die people are only a google away from know how I though and what I thought about. They will also know my bad grammar and obsessive thinking. I am hoping that spell check will hide my awful spelling.
While I share many of my dad's traits, I wish I shared others. This is my attempt at simply leaving tracks and signs of life. Any way it gives the bots something to do.

Compare and Contrast

I come from the land of the free. Yes America. Now I am in SE Asia in Cambodia. Supposedly a country that lacks the freedom of America. I thought an interesting entry would be to compare and contrast the the two vastly different countries.

Taxes
The vast majority of Cambodians have never paid taxes. Only the small middle class and super rich pay taxes. I don't know of any forms for personal taxes. 

Now in America if you don't pay taxes someone with a gun will show up and ask why. You may  well I don't make enough to file taxes. Well they will break into your house and bank accounts to make sure you did not make enough to pay taxes.

School 
So if you don't want your children to go to school. Well there is nothing to say. It is up to you and your child weather they want a good life and go to school. Many are too poor and must generate income for the family to eat. There are also some who simply do not want to go and they don't go.

Well most know what happens if you don't go to school in the free country. Yes they have a jail cell with your child's name and possibly yours too. Yes in the land of the free you are forced to go to school. If you beg the state you can teach your child at home. You may also if rich enough send them to a private school if the government approves.

Trade
The market is free. You have people without government permission, going from door to door selling goods. Fruit, household goods, meats, mobile restaurants all trolling the streets providing their neighbor with what they want and need. They don't pay taxes as all family owned businesses are exempt from paying taxes.
In Americas even if you could make money with some door to door product. You must register with the government, pay taxes and meet the requirements of your business. The government would put a stop to the barely usable equipment use by the Khmer street sellers. All used to protect the well established businesses.

Driving
In the US the police do not take bribes. While I try to choke back my laughter, you can say they at least don't collect their bribe on the street. The days of giving breaks to drivers who make mistakes are over. They need the non-bribe money to support their at least adequate salaries and other city services. Sometime is even for road safety.
I could go on about this a bit but even without harming anyone or even having the potential to harm anyone they can ruin your life. With the guise of public safety they strip their citizen of money for even the smallest of infractions. Need that money.

Medicine
Lets say you get sick and you are pretty sure you know the medicine you need. The American government requires you visit a high priced doctor. You pay him your $100 and tell him what medicine you would like. He takes your temperature and pokes you a few time and usually give you the medicine you needed in the first place.
If you are really sick on the other hand, America is the place to be. Oh but they will refuse you service if you don't have money. Yeah that is rich. They refuse you service and you die your children will be set for life.
If you are sick in Cambodia and you know what you need. You walk or ride to the pharmacy and buy the drugs you need. Almost any drug and if you don't know what you the pharmacist will help you buy suggesting drugs that suit your needs.

I could go on. Later I might but most parts of your day to day life is left alone in the supposedly less free country. In the free country, not so much. You need permission to go pee. I am not be metaphorical. When you pee in the wrong place they may arrest you or fine you. While some of the safety nets provided by the government are nice. If you really think about it, is the US really the land of the free?